RADULAR CRITIQUE THREAD FOR ALL YOUR IMPROVEMENT NEEDS

More or less, I'd love to get more feedback on the couple things I have written, despite having their own thread, but perhaps this will get some more critique on the subject. http://www.zejroleplaying.org/threads/spaught-s-stories-n-stuff

 

I am writing A Thing but I won't post this Thing yet because it's not ready. Maybe when I've finished this Thing and gone over this Thing with a red pen I'll post it here.

 

Wrote this up quickly after a short period of inspiration. Written pretty hastily with little to no proofreading, and I realize that it kinda requires a knowledge of things in its universe, as well as things about the characters, which admittedly many of the users here have.

Basically, I just recently created the female character, and wanted to write something for her, so I took one of my old characters and combined them into a single story because it felt so right.

Spoiler

Nositch Muraki trudged along in the marshy plain, far from any settlement, at least that he knew of. The rain softly fell in large globs, soaking his whole body – making his once-white robe heavy, and his blonde hair a medium brown – and made the entire area smell wonderfully fresh. Any other person would no doubt be unable to tand this weather – if they only had the abilities Nositch possessed, they would surely make the sun shine every moment upon the trail they walked.

Nositch, however, was not like that. There was something wonderful about every kind of weather, from the clearest days to the most violent of storms. It was that wonder – that beauty – that kept Nositch going, no matter how far or how alone he was. As he looked ahead of him in this plain, however, he noticed that for once, he wasn't totally alone.

There, laying in the ground, was a young woman – girl, rather – with her face towards the ground, obviously in trouble and unable to move. Nositch rushed over, only to see her pink-hued hair stained with mud and grass, and dressed in little more than rags. Well, not that Nositch's own clothes were much better at this point. He observed every inch of her that was visible, from her grass-stained face to her mud-caked feet.

“What were you running from?” Nositch whispered, unheard by the girl before him. Before anything, he took out a small metallic rod from a pocket in the chest of his robe, twisting it slightly, at which point it extended to about a meter long. He softly poked her back, if only to test for consciousness. At a time like this, it was better safe than sorry.

When the girl offered no response to his prodding, Nositch knelt down, leaning in close to her body. Thankfully, he heard and felt her breathing. She was still alive! Nositch breathed a quiet sigh of relief, then got to work. He had to get this girl to some kind of safety, and soon.

Nositch softly picked her up so she would be laying behind him, with her arms over his shoulder, where he held them. Concentrating on his breath, he began to blow slowly, a warm steam arising and, according to his will, bring warm air behind him. He knew by her temperature and extremely light frame that she was simply exhausted – perhaps having gone even a week nonstop, and without food. If it was something else, he'd have taken more time to examine her, but he knew with a little warmth and a bit of food, she'd most likely be alright. So he began to walk again, hanging onto the girl's nearly dead body , hardly a noticeable change in his demeanor.


It was some time later that Nositch had found a good place to set up a temporary camp. A small group of trees mostly blocking the rain, he had set up nearby him what could be called a small tent, if even that – all it really consisted of was two pieces of a sturdy cloth – one hung over a rope between two trees and spread to block rain, and another on the ground below it, on top of which Nositch had set the girl, so that she would have some protection from the cold, wet ground.

A little ways away, Nositch say by a fire that anyone else might find at the very least difficult to start, if not impossible, in this weather, from where he guided the warm air coming from the fire according to his will, like a weather front, towards the tent, continuing to warm the girl. Over the fire was a dented pot, inside of which was an unappetizing-looking brown liquid with various bits of unidentifiable things floating around – at least it smelled much nicer than it looked, and that smell was being guided right with the warm air.

It wasn't too long before he heard a rustling from the makeshift tent. “I see you've decided to wake up,” Nositch said loudly, with a light smile on his face, “I've got dinner ready, I know you're hungry.”

Silence again. At first, Nositch assumed the girl had gone back to sleep, which wasn't ideal, but he figured it couldn't be avoided. However, he soon saw that something was moving the tent's upper cloth from the inside, opening it – and it sure wasn't a human hand. Nositch put his hand inside his robe in preparation.

Suddenly, the girl flew out, prismatic... “arms” sprouting from her back, with a face that spoke of a captured animal's desire to kill its captor. Nositch quickly took out the rod again, this time twisting on the halves much faster than before, transforming it into a staff, which he stuck into the ground, jumping and pointing an outstretched hand into the ground, causing him to flip gracefully, a sparkling ar of frost in his wake.

“Uh-uh-uh,” Nositch said, expressing very little of his surprise, even sounding like a kind parent informing a child of a bad deed. “You might spill the soup. There's not many mushrooms around here.” Almost before he could finish, the girl lunged at him again, the dozen or so arm... things coming towards him, sparkling colorfully in what little sunlight got through the clouds, not to mention the light from the small flame nearby. This time Nositch had just barely dodged – her attack managed to even cut off the tip of the staff in the ground, making it fall, and causing it to fall to the ground, which in turn caused him to fly forward to the ground himself, and right in the direction of the girl.

Nositch rolled smoothly as he landed, however, and immediately stood straight, the parental, pleading tone once again in his voice. “Now, now. Is that any way to treat your rescuer? If it weren't for me you might be dead by now.”

The girl didn't seem to want to listen much, however.

As she attacked again, this time even managing to cut off a piece of Nositch's robe, Nositch managed to jump even closer to her, landing in such a way that he fell into an embrace – perhaps the worst place to be, but it was the only chance that Nositch had here. If this girl fought like this while she was so weak...

“Shhh,” Nositch whispered softly in her ear, as softly as he could, “whatever you're running from, it isn't me. I want to help. Now if you could just calm down, maybe we could talk this over? Sit around the fire? How does that sound?”

Suddenly something in the girl's eyes changed. The “arms” that were now but an inch from Nositch's back retracted into the girl's back once more, right through the clothes on her back.

“Follow me over here,” Nositch said kindly,walking over to the pot-topped fire. On his way, he pulled out two wooden bowls from his robe. When he got to the fire, he dipped them in turn into the now slightly chilled liquid once simmering in the fire that was now little more than coals. It took little more than his concentration to stoke it with enough air to once again make the fire burn brightly. He gave one of the bowls to the girl, and walked to the other side of the fire.

“Now then, wh--”

“Food,” the girl interrupted,and Nositch understood. Almost simultaneously, they began to sip away from their bowls.

Well, Nositch was sipping, anyway. The girl quickly put the bowl up to her lips and drank away. It ran down the side of her lips and dripped down her chin. Nositch just smiled warmly once again. “Help yourself,” he said, “I made just enough for us both to have a few bowls.”

The girl looked at him hungrily, and he motioned to the pot. Immediately the girl lunged towards the pot, hastily dunking her bowl in and bringing it out, spilling almost as much as she got in the bowl, and brought it to her lips, guzzling away. She did this two more times, leaving barely another bowlful for Nositch himself.

“My signature mushroom soup,” Nositch said, half-jokingly. It was little more than a handful of edible mushrooms in water, and boiled until they were cooked well enough to eat, lending a lot of their color to the water, but not much else. “How do you like it?”

The girl glared for a moment as she swallowed down one last chunk of mushroom. “Good,” she said simply, “Now you eat another?”

Nositch walked over to the pot at her suggestion, filling his hand with frost so he could grab the edge of the pot and pour what soup remained into his bowl. As he did so, the girl seemed to recoil. “How did you do that?” she asked, astonished.

Nositch let out a chuckle at the girl's surprise. “I could ask you the same, about those arms of yours.” The girl looked around, seemingly ashamed So she was just a normal girl, somewhere in there.

“I was born with them,” she said matter-of-factly, “me, and the others. Mine are different, though. Theirs don't shine like mine.”

“I see,” Nositch said, mostly to comfort her. Of course, he was mostly just as confused as he was before. “Well I'm similar,” Nositch said, a hint of sadness in his voice. “Most of the people in my village could do what I do. A great tribe of weather-controllers.”

“Where are the others now?” the girl asked, which caused Nositch to turn down his face. However, he quickly looked back up with a half-attempted smile.

“How about we save that for another time?” he said, “By the way, my name is Nositch. Do you have a name?”

“It's Prisma,” she said suddenly, with just as much hidden emotion as what Nositch had just a moment before, and he understood.

“Well, it's getting late,” Nosith said, his face turned towards the setting sun in the west, which caused the whole plain to light up from the water on the ground. “We should probably get some sleep. I'd like to get to a town tomorrow sometime, so we'll leave fairly early.”

“Town...?” Prisma said quietly, just out of reach of Nositch's hearing.

Most just putting it here to have it public. I don't even have a name or overarching plot in mind for this yet, so I'm not quuiiite sure what to write next.

 

@The Kakuzato, for the most part, I have to give you kudos on this piece! Beyond a few errors in your spelling and grammar, there is a particular "voice" about your work that shines. It's an intrinsic, raw, undeniable piece that actually- I believe -is setting you well on your path to becoming a masterful writer.

As a point of thumb, I'd say the most major thing for you to do at this point would be to go back and fix where you place some hyphens and commas. Your use of hyphens oftentimes looks like they're a faulty, makeshift illusion that's attempting to make run-on sentence seem... well, not as run-on. Most of the time, sentences that are more than 2.5 lines long in MS Word are too long (even I need to go back and fix way too many of these in my own stories) and any more than one or two "ands" between points of description is too many. 

Then again, there's this weird thing where some sentences feel too long and others are too short. It's a part of your voice to tell things with a command over crisp, action-based variables, yes, but a parity still needs to be struck in terms of formatting. Otherwise, it makes the work seem monotonous. Learn to describe with more strength where need-be and where to lay it on a little more thinly in other places. It's something that'll mostly come with experience, and something hard to pinpoint for anyone other than yourself as your work expands, since you are your own voice. Just be wary of my advice in the future... if it even made any sense just now.

Furthermore- and this is a bit of a personal tick -sometimes your language is a bit too "casual" when juxtaposed against the serious nature of the work. Try adding in a few more "bridges" to act as more vivid possessive descriptors, like "had the abilities that..." instead of "had the abilities..." It's okay every so often to blend a casual tone with a more serious one, but given the thematics of the work, I'd say that blend definitely needs to be better achieved.

Other than that, there's sometimes a need for better descriptors, period, but it's more of a scarce affair than any of the other subject points above. You mention in the second sentence that Nositch's once-white robe became heavy, but why was it once white? It's implied, but I think that the tone of the work would be accentuated if you elaborated upon that particular point. Since you had begun to make it at the sentence's opening moments, it has to be driven home.

For an example, here's my restructured version of your opening paragraph. Bold, red script denotes actual additions to the wording or overarching grammar whereas thick green letters denote a spell-check. 

Spoiler

Nositch Muraki trudged along the marshy plain. It was far from any settlement-- at least that he knew of. The rain softly fell in large globs, soaking his whole body. It had made his once-white robe darkened and heavy and his blonde hair became a medium brown. The trade-off was that it made the entire area smell wonderfully fresh, but still, any other person would no doubt be unable to stand this weather. If they only had the abilities that Nositch possessed, they would surely make the sun shine every moment upon the trail they walked.

Overall, still, I'm impressed, Nate! There's a charm about your writing that is indescribably you. The story itself is captivating and I encourage you to take your skills somewhere beyond ZEJ once time permits it. There is a staunch, raw talent there that is capable of doing great things as a novelist.

 

*sigh* Princess... Princess Slaughter...
(tries to think of something creative to say. /fails) ... Come at me bro... I guess... I honestly don't know how I feel about this thing...

Actually made a sprite for the main chara over here-
BANZAI! Super-Bass' Kawaii Ultra Pixel Shiz Attack! Goooo! (I swear- that's the name of the thread. I don't know why- but it is.)

 

ok so as #CoE knows, I'm making a Mahou ZEJ drawing. My drawing style is really care-free and I haven't been able to utilize tutorials very well, but I want to draw it digitally. I have no idea how to start, tbh. I've only sketched a few of the magical CoEsters so far:

Spoiler: Shadow

Known issues: I really had trouble with the legs because idk sitting. His body also looks a bit too contorted because of the clothes, but idk how to draw clothes so...
Also what kind of brush would be recommended for the alpaca's fur?

Spoiler: Eebit

Known issues: idk knee placement on the left leg. What is a torso?
Right arm sleeve looks weird and I.....
The eyes. The eyes look stoic yet the body says death.

Spoiler: Cerby

Known issues: What are legs.
I really need to fix that derp head.
I'm not sure how to go about necks on a 3-headed dog
the design for the sleeves looks boring.
The middle face is a bit wide. Do I bring in the face itself, the eyes, or both?

Spoiler: Nate

Known issues: I am so sorry.

So uh.. I know these are doodles, at best, but I'd still like feedback on how to make them better.

 

http://imgur.com/gallery/i33yp

Didn't know where to drop this, but I feel like all you artsy folk might find this gallery helpful.

 

Posting this here with the permission of @Starrie (I figure that having the image I'll be critiquing ready/available will come in handy):

Spoiler

I mentioned in IRC/Skype that there were a few things that I'd consider changing about it, but I wanted to go into some greater detail in here. Plus, it seemed like a good opportunity to employ this thread. So we got two birds, one stone!

The first thing I wanted to talk about was the fabric. I know you weren't too pleased with the way it turned out, but I actually think that you did a great job, especially with the jersey. It might be a little too form-fitting to the guy's shoulderblades, but I think it is well done in terms of keeping the stripes consistent with the curvature of the body/the way the fabric would realistically fall. So kudos to you on that front!

The right arm is kind of at a weird, almost paradoxical angle. I think I see what you're trying to do with it -- he is sort of resting his hands on his hip (or going for the fingers-in-pocket look). But the way you have that forearm is somewhat warped, just because it seems to halfway disappear behind his torso. struggling to figure out a way to word this

Ultimately, it might not be a bad idea to have his right hand go in his pocket if you were to redraw it. It's hovering a little bit in front of his hipbone right now, but it might be more natural to have either his thumb go into the pocket or the entire hand to go in there.

His left hand also poses a bit of a problem. The way he's holding the bat is awkward since he'd have to twist his wrist unnaturally to hold a bat in that position. Since it's his left hand, I'd consider flipping the hand around to make it less stiff and less awkward (i.e. make the fingers curl around the other way, so that we as viewers can see his fingers rather than the outside of his fist). You'd probably have to adjust the angle the bat is held at accordingly if you were to do so.

In terms of posing, he has a bit of that "anime air hump" going on. What I mean by this is that he's got his hips pushed forward into a sort of 'pelvic thrust,' even if you didn't mean to do this. His stance and posture have his pelvis further forward than his shoulders, which gives this appearance. There's nothing inherently "wrong" with this -- it's just one of those things to watch for. Moving on, though, it does draw attention to his butt. I don't know how much time you spend looking at teh bootay, but in general I think that butts have a little more 'cushion' to them. Speaking very candidly, he lacks the roundness along the bottom of his buttcheeks to give his butt any sort of form. It doesn't need to be "dat ass" emphasized, but it could use a little bit more substance. Probably.

There's something about the position of the eye that bothers me... I think it seems like it's too high up on his face. I did a really sloppy edit to try and illustrate what I'm talking about:



As you can see, I pulled the eye down a little bit to be more in line with the bridge of the nose. Something I noticed in your Hisao portrait as well was that you tend to put your eyes a little higher than that, so it's probably something to watch out for.

I think that's where I'm going to stop. Overall, I think this was really well done! Just a few adjustments and you're well on your way. Good stuff, Starr. You're really continuing to show strides in your art improving.

now it's going to be a matter of mastering those pesky hands