The Captain And The Plant-Bread

I figured it deserved it's own thread at this point so...!

The Captain and the Plant-Bread
CatPB
An original ZEJ narrative journey based on the Mii characters of Eebit and Jonno on Miitomo, specifically their Pirate Captain and Plant-Bread outfits. Will hopefully feature all the Big ZEJ Names, to some extent! Join me for this stupid journey in a land filled with too much meta and that one-of-a-kind brand of "Gold, wtf is this" humor.
This is The Captain and the Plant-Bread! Please enjoy your Voyage.​

:Table of Contents:
Voyage 1
Voyage 2
Voyage 3
Voyage 4
Voyage 5
Voyage 6
Voyage 7​

 

Voyage 1 | "Plant-Bread"

Spoiler

It was a cool winter night, with nary a soul in sight. The young captain was lounging around on the docks, not a thick article of clothing in sight despite the freezing breeze and the hoarfrost gathering on the chain-link fence between the pier and the town. Huddled as he was against a few crates, quietly ruminating on his ship, he nearly missed the sight of the figure passing by on the other side of the chain-link fence. Jake Fryer knew many things. For one, he knew commas. But if there was only one thing he knew surely in life, it was humans. And that silhouette was not a human. Or a comma. But that was besides the point. That was a creative joke based on the creative usage of a period/full-stop. But the Captain Fryer had no time for that either, as clever as it was, though if he had the meta-knowledge of his own text to know about it he'd surely think the writer a true queen of the creative arts.

Anyways that strange silhouette was definitely not besides the point. See, it's in the middle of the sentence, clearly it's important.

And so the Captain Fryer glanced at his boat before stumbling to his feet. He could see the figure moving about along the fence, his own feet guiding him towards it. Before he could get the drop on it, however, it turned to face him from a few feet ahead. The young captain's breath caught in his throat. It wasn't the fact that he had a green body suit covering everything below his neck. It wasn't the short, brown, bootleg fustanella at his waist. It wasn't the lines on his suit's sleeves made to look like the veins of a leaf. It wasn't the bread-shaped headpiece he wore. Nae, it was his beautiful face that caught the captain's eye.

"Hello!" The strange man said with a smile.

"Hello," Jake cautiously replied, eyeing his face "Who are you? Are you from the town?"

"The town? I'm from where my roots grew. Definitely not a town, somewhere with soil." The man continued "You can call me Plant-Bread. And you? Where did the yellow daisy grow?"

"I'm not a plant," The captain started, pausing at the look on Plant-Bread's face— his smile was still there, but his eyes said he wasn't buying it, for whatever reason "Well, I'm Captain Fryer."

"It was nice to meet you," Plant-Bread answered, turning away "I've never met a yellow daisy before."

The captain was about to argue again when he realized it was a foolish thing to argue about. He had bigger fish to fry— his lack of notoriety as a pirate, and the preparations for departure in the morning.

"I'm a man who fries his fish or my name isn't Fryer!" He yelled as he stomped determinedly towards his ship, a fisher in the midst of getting out of his small boat eyeing him in confusion.

 

Voyage 2 | "Jack"

Spoiler

The next morning, the good Captain Fryer awoke slowly in his quarters. In a truly graceful, near-sensual sight to behold, the captain tumbled to the floor in a mess of three different sheets.

"I'm up." He called to no person in particular, very much still lying down.

Slowly clambering to his feet, a difficult three minute maneuver (a true record, might he add), Jake Fryer kicked open his door and proudly gazed upon the deck of his ship. The area was immensely busy, bustling with his list of workers that was at the terrifyingly amazing numerical amount he enjoyed referring to as "jack shit."

Well, actually, maybe he didn't quite enjoy it...

OK so maybe he very definitely hated it.

With a stiff sigh, he ventured back into his quarters. After a few minutes, he re-emerged in his morning clothes, comma-printed nighties swapped for… well, the average layman's clothes, plus cheap sheath and knife. His kerchief was comma-printed, however! What a glorious count towards the overall swagger of his outfit. Tying it to his wrist (the world deserved to bask in the glory of his hair, thank you very much), Jake rushed down to the port.

With a quick glance to where he'd seen the strange man last night— Plain-Beak? Plan-Bark? Plant-Bread, right! — Jake hurried past the chain-link fence and into town. Sauntering into the pub, the captain leaned cooly against the door-frame— nearly getting knocked over when a rowdy bunch entered from the door behind him.

Let's try that again.

Leaning once more against the door-frame, the captain coolly cleared his throat "I'm looking for—"

"A crew?" A mysterious voice interrupted.

Jake turned his head, spotting the source of the voice. He was beginning to think that men like Plant-Bread weren't that rare of a sight. This new character, instead of Plant-Bread's green bodysuit and bread helmet, wore a headpiece of a more… fungal nature. The captain assumed Plant-Fungus or something of the sort was probably his name.

"Well," The captain chuckled smoothly, leaning further on his arm "I am, actually."

"Mmm," The man hummed, sitting stiffly at his table with his eyes closed "I figured."

"Hey, hold on—" Jake yelped, nearly falling over from leaning too far "How'd you know? Are you— Is it like, fungal power? Are you psychic!?"

"No?" The man scrunched up his face, opening his eyes to give an incredulous glance at the captain "I heard from some fisher. Jack, right?"

"Jake, actually."

"Jake?" Mysterious Fungus Man questioned "Not Jack?"

"Yes. Jake, not Jack." The captain insisted.

"Jake… Never heard of it."

The captain rolled his eyes "Well it's Jake. Not Jack. And before you even ask, I'm not a daisy."

"A daisy?" The Fungus Man shot him a weird look.

"Oh, um…" Captain Fryer scratched behind his neck "Nevermind, don't worry about it."

"Not a daisy…" The man whispered, turning quickly to Jake "A fungus!?"

"What, no— Stop!" He waved his hands around impatiently "You heard about the crew thing?"

"I could provide you with a crew." The Mysterious Mystery Mister Mushroom whispered "By tomorrow."

"You could... For what?" Jake narrowed his eyes.

"Free, probably." The man said, doubting Jake had anything valuable.

The captain beamed, extending his hand "It's a deal, uh—"

"Magic." The man beamed, shaking Jake's hand "You can call me by my last name, Mudshroom."

 

Voyage 3 | "Absurd"

Spoiler

Three things struck the Captain in two ways, one with its own subcategories. Physically, the Captain found a heavy hand landing hard on his shoulder in a passionate, excited attempt at a friendly pat. Figuratively, then— emotionally, the brightness of his eyes; mentally, registering in conscious thought, an admission: Jake knew nothing of absurdity.

All three of these reactions came down to the same two men. Magic, the fungal man behind the second's appearance, and then…

"Plant-Bread." Jake announced suavely to the man who had clapped his hand on the Captain's shoulder. His eyes were beautiful. His sudden appearance with Magic absurd— a new level of absurd.

"Flower who fries fish!" Plant-Bread called back, voice bellowing "We are here for your crew."

"I'm in love with you." Jake sputtered, realizing two things.

One, it was true, in a way. Two, that was not the right way to say it.

"Well," Plant-Bread blinked "That's—"

"As a friend!" Jake clarified "I, just… it feels like I've known you forever and even developed a group of ragtag adopted children with you and another man whose name starts with Z."

"Flowers are perceptive," Magic interjected "The most perceptive of all plants."

"Maybe in another life, Captain, it was so," Plant-Bread said "But I am here for your crew now, and perhaps we may find that platonic peace in our own world. If you'll accept them, these could be your so-called adoptive kids."

For the first time that morning, Jake looked past Plant-Bread at the gathering behind him, the individuals stepping up one by one.

First came a woman with eyes like the ocean in depth and width— no, really— who made Jake immediately think the word "short". (Although, she was not quite short.)

"Rose," She said with a practiced tongue, adjusting the heavy gold crown on her head "I'd make you call me Lady Rose, or something, but I'll make an exception for a fellow flower."

"Pleasure to—" Jake began.

"I know." The woman replied with a wide grin.

Next came a large, lost-looking man. Despite his apparent nerves, he seemed like his figurative tail was wagging behind him. The Captain had the sudden urge to guard his legs.

"I'm Kirby Brec." He said excitedly in a much more delicate voice than Jake expected "Can I call you Master?"

"Sure, Brec." Captain Fryer slowly responded.

The third was a mischievous looking fellow with their body adorned in a dark green outfit that made Jake think of a strange, famous elf boy who he had no recollection of prior to this moment. Light green, glittery specks sat gently in their hair and they smiled as they approached. The Captain felt an unusually strong impulse to shout "Hey, listen!" but held it in.

"Holy hell," They said "I'm Kellink, you can call me Kells, and it's an honor to meet a daisy for the first time."

"I'm not a daisy." The Captain insisted, Kells ignoring it as they passed.

"We have some others as well," Plant-Bread whispered "But not all of them will be joining us at this moment."

"We do have one final crew member for this first venture." Magic gestured with his head "From a magical order."

"She's known for her quick, silent strikes," Plant-Bread nodded "In the order, her given moniker is White Subtitles On Canadian Winter."

"Krista." Jake heard from his side, turning away from Magic and Plant-Bread.

There stood a woman, guiding a caribou alongside her with a bright, shining rope "My title is a mouthful. Just Krista is fine."

"I'm in love with you." Jake blurted immediately, overcome.

And this time, he meant it.

 

Voyage 4 | "Porto"

Spoiler

"We'll be sailing out now," Jake called, rushing towards the helm. He turned towards Plant-Bread, nervousness evident on his face "Are you sure everyone knows what to do?"

"I'm certain." He said "Give them your destination and watch how they work. I would suggest the port we discussed earlier, to pick up some more of the crew."

"Then," Jake cleared his throat, curious to see his crew in action "To Porto Ananas!"

Brec released the rope tying the ship to port, and Krista stuck her hand out beyond the edge of the ship.

"West!" She called as fish flopped out of the water in an arc under her hand.

"Go west." Rose opened her palm to reveal a small rosebud, nearly as quickly as it appeared it was ripped apart by a gust of wind that seemed to only affect it alone, the vibrant petals scattering in the air.

"Follow them." Kells whispered, and Jake hurried to turn the wheel so that the ship was heading in the direction of the petals.

"She made a flower in her hand." Jake balked "And she made fish jump out of the water."

"Well, we needed some sort of visible trail." Rose shrugged.

"I was asking for directions." Krista smiled.

"I took the rope thing off." Brec added.

"Thank you, Kirby." Magic nodded.

"Don't talk to me."

"O-oh."

"None of what they just did makes sense." Jake insisted.

"Well she's a flower, and she's from an order, so…" Kells trailed off.

"This one must be a very sheltered flower." Magic observed.

"Don't call him sheltered." Brec interjected.

"ANYWAYS," Plant-Bread turned to Jake "Flowers? No? Not ringing any bells?"

"Most humans have a latent energy in their blood," Magic began, closing his eyes to appear serious "A remnant of back when ancient, plant-like beings mingled with the ancestor of humanity."

"Not everyone is as cool as me, of course, don't sweat it," Rose dusted off her shoulder for a job well-done "But some of us can call upon our… cousins? I'm a Rose— Yes, I know, I'm named Rose too, don't worry about it— and you're a Daisy."

"Are you capitalizing those?" Plant-Bread asked.

"This is a verbal conversation," Krista said "(And they're proper nouns, since they're titles.)"

"Please don't use parentheses." Kells pinched the bridge of their nose.

"What parentheses," Magic asked "This is a verbal conversation."

"I'm not a Daisy." Jake huffed.

Silence.

"He's not!" Brec shouted "He's the Master, you can't question his authority."

"Fine OK, you've got magic plant blood." Jake conceded "But the fish?"

"I specialize in animal communication at the order." Krista responded.

"That's it?" He raised a brow.

"Yeah."

"No special blood?"

"No, you just have to really listen to the animals from your heart and—"

"So you do need special blood." Brec interrupted.

 

Voyage 5 | "Text"

Spoiler

Porto Ananas was not a place Jake liked. He couldn't quite put a finger on why, it was a perfectly nice place, but he didn't like it. Apparently, neither could Rose.

"What the heck is an Ananas?" Jake huffed.

"Oh," Magic looked up "It's actually—"

"It was rhetorical." Brec hissed.

"O-oh?"

"It's bananas." Kellink said quietly.

"I don't think it's bananas." Rose whispered.

"Maybe it's bread." Plant-Bread murmured. Rose quirked a brow at him, he shrugged— a man could hope.

"Why would you name a place either Bananas or Bread?" Krista asked, seated atop her caribou.

"Why are we at this place named Bananas or Bread?" Brec raised his hand.

"There are three things I can think of to lure her out." Plant-Bread said suddenly "Someone pretty— quick, pose."

Rose, Krista, and Jake immediately all fell into poses. Brec did as well, but…

"None of that worked, I'm horrified." Plant-Bread shivered, passing a piece of paper to the Captain "Maybe it was too flustering. Try saying this chant."

"Um," Jake cleared his throat "When I say 'canon' you say 'gays'— CANON!"

"GAYS!" A voice called, sounding as if it was coming from far away.

"When I say 'solid dairy product' you say 'butter'— SOLID DAIRY PRODUCT!"

"Butter!" It yelled, sounding closer.

"When I say— What—" Jake blinked "When I say 'wtf' you say 'poutine'— WTF!"

"Poutine." The voice— a girl— whispered into Jake's ear from at his side, the Captain yelping and falling.

"Stop! Please! That is my ear!" Brec shouted.

"I see you've arrived." Plant-Bread nodded.

"Yes." The girl said. She was the darkest of the bunch, stood a few inches taller than Rose, and was holding a wrapped stick of butter.

"Goldbuster."

"Yes." Goldbuster said, handing him the stick of butter [MOO: Does anyone else here have talk and text?]

[PBJ: Well you know I do.] Plant-Bread replied.

"How are you guys doing that?" Kells scrunched up their face "I can see it, but I can't hear it. I think it's worse than the parentheses."

"What?" Everyone else said collectively.

[PBJ: Oh, hey Kells.] Jonno beamed [PBJ: guess you have the 4th wall breaking fun of texting. You can see the transcript, CC, whatever, right— narration, dialogue.]

"Yes?"

"What are they doing?" Brec stage-whispered, eyeing Kells.

[MOO: pretend you're typing and sending a message.] Gold gave a thumbs-up.

[KLS: holy hell.]

"Are they having a staring contest?" Magic questioned.

"I bet on Plant-Bread." Jake raised his hand.

"I'll go for Kells." Krista smiled.

"I… OK well I guess I have Goldbuster." Rose murmured.

[PBJ: Fictional. Elf. In. The. Texts. I am floored.] Jonno gave a thumbs-up "Thanks Jake."

[MOO: Classic.]

"This is making me nervous." Brec whispered.

[KLS: this is so weird. if it automatically gives us names based on our name, why are you MOO?]

[MOO: one step closer to my true name, i'm shaking in fear as i text]

[PBJ: I once started texting and ending up chatting with myself for 3 hours because I didn't realize I was alone.]

[MOO: um]

[PBJ: anyways]

"Almost got stuck by ourselves in there, huh." Plant-Bread mused. He blinked. Kells blinked too.

"Oh, hey, I won." Rose grinned "I knew it the whole time, it was a strategic pick."

"You can have the butter." Plant-Bread said gently, placing the butter in her hands.

[MOO: solid dairy product? my offering?]

[PBJ: it's melting a little, I think, I don't want it]

[KLS: wow Plant-Bread, rude.]

[MOO: maybe she'll appreciate my butter then :wave:]

"Oh my god, I see that as an emoji." Kells hissed "That's amazing."

"Emojis!!!" Jake whipped his head around a few times "Where???"

"Science knows no bounds." Plant-Bread whispered sagely.

 

Voyage 6 | "Respirar"

Spoiler

Three days later, the boat was out at sea. Somewhere. Somewhere very far from land. Jake eyed his map again, searching with perfect, beautiful eyes for their location.

"What land, friends," He called out in his most noble voice "Is Vueues?"

Gently, with a sad expression, Goldbuster took the map from his hands "This map is upside down and that says Ananas."

"Blegh," Jake grimaced "I hate Ananas."

"Hey!" Goldbuster punched his shoulder, the captain's loud yelp piercing the general silence of the deck in the early dawn hours "That's my main port of call you're talking about."

"You know, I first met little Goldbuster there. When she was just a little pebble…" Jonno sighed from his place a few feet away, trying not to cry "Now look at her, a little moon, soon she'll be a full grown young lady. I love Porto Ananas."

"Oh, I," Jake fiddled with his collar "Love it, thanks. Ananas? Hot stuff. Love it almost as much as my hometown, the quaint little port of Maple Shamrock!"

"Did you see those streets, Brec?" Jake called to the large, excitable man who was just coming up from below deck "The, uh, absolute cleanest."

"They were so clean, sir. So… very clean," He closed his eyes, looking impossibly content as he said his next words "If you so much as gave me the command to lick them, sir, I— in my complete love for you—"

"Oh, hey what the heck is that?" Goldbuster pointed somewhere, further in the waters.

"Oh, yeah, hey," Captain Fryer squinted "What could this sudden and exciting thing be?"

"It looks like… it looks a knarr," Jonno adjusted his telescope "A knarr with ravens rowing it?"

"Sounds horrifying and scary," Jake nodded "Can we get Krista up here to carry me away with her big muscles?"

"Are they big?" Goldbuster whispered out of curiosity "Have you felt them? Do you think about them a lot, or was this just a random—"

"Afraid not, Captain." Jonno whispered.

"Why are we whispering, what if Captain Fryer can't hear us!" Cerby shouted "And why aren't we listening to him!"

"Nobody's going to wake up, buddo." Jonno announced calmly "Not even if we have Goldy scream about a random social issue. Their loss."

"Just to let you know, just a little update," Goldbuster butt in, now in possession of the telescope "The boat's like, right next to us."

"What—" Before he could react, a figure appeared over him, causing Jake Fryer to fall on his heiney in complete and utter shock.

"Hey." The voice said.

He was gorgeous, with flowing, light-brown hair. His clothes were heavy and black, flowing with every breeze, and his nose piercing glinted in the light even though there were so many clouds, seriously how was he doing that—

"Who are you!?" The captain croaked.

"My name is Cody Hrafn," He said, ravens landing on him as he spoke "You took my sister, prepare to die."

"No!" Jake screamed "No death! Especially not in the face!"

"Oh, hi, Cody." Goldbuster said sheepishly.

Cody's head snapped in her direction. The ravens squawked. Suddenly, they quieted down and folded their wings, growing calm. Cody moved closer to the girl, seemingly gliding in his graceful cloak.

"Gold, oh my goodness," He sobbed "I was so worried, did you take a juice box? Did you pack some lunch, do you have money? How about your emergency 'Spongebob: *respirar* Spongebob: CHICO' meme—"

"Cody," She whined "I'm fine. I'm just with Jonno."

Cody glanced at Jonno. Jonno looked back. It was a lot like what a moment might be like between a father and a stepfather. Except none of them were related. And Goldbuster was claimed as a child by many, many people. And Cody was technically a brother— anyways, forget it.

"Do we know him?" Brec broke the silence.

"This is Cody," Jonno said quietly "He's like Goldbuster's older brother. He's from a land of cold, tattoos, ale, and lots of strange jokes."

"I'm also like, a viking pirate prince, but that's whatever."

"You're what?" Jake blanched.

 

Voyage 7 | "Eagles"

Spoiler

"A viking pirate prince." Cody repeated slowly.

"Um, well," Jake squirmed, still with his butt firmly planted on the deck "See, that's—"

"You know, Cody," Jonno began "We don't really… need… you and your birds here. You think your ravens are special? I've got strange, dream-realm ravens, obviously a better choice."

"Listen, mate," Cody puffed his chest out "That's my little sister you've got here on your ship—"

"It's my ship." Jake whispered, his statement lost in the tension of the situation.

"Yeah? Well guess what buddy boy, in this fictional realm?" Jonno glared, eagles landing on him (everywhere) "She's got weird near-adult autonomy. Why don't we just ask her?"

"Listen, I don't like having a rival pirate here, but he's gorgeous," Captain Fryer began "Can't we just keep him?"

"Guys," Goldbuster began, frustrated "This could potentially be the first conflict in our story, and I don't want a major, continuous arc of just weird fatherly rivalry. We can all agree that would be a horrible choice for the first major conflict."

"Oh," Jonno said "That makes sense."

"Yeah," Cody nodded "Makes sense. Maybe we could fight an army instead?"

"No!" Captain Fryer yelled, clutching a random part of the ship "We're not taking my baby vessel to war!"

"Please don't adopt ships," Lady Rose came up onto deck "That's not how Flowers act."

"Leave him alone," Brec said gently "The man's allowed to love things… like maybe me—"

"Is everyone else up?" The captain asked Rose.

"Oh, yeah." She said tiredly, turning to watch as everyone else came up slowly.

"You know," Krista began "I'm not really a fan of the sea."

"Why?" Magic asked "I kind of like it."

"Not enough puppies." Krista and Kellink said at once.

"Ha," Kellink snapped his fingers "I knew it. I'm such a great guesser."

"How many eagles are on Plant-Bread?" Rose asked.

"20." Kellink said easily.

"I see 15." Jake said.

"There's like 5 on his back." Kellink grinned.

"He's right." Jonno said dramatically, turning to reveal like 5 eagles on his back.

"Hey, when did we switch some pronouns," Brec asked "And also start calling Plant-Bread, uh, Jonno?"

"I have no idea," Goldbuster said "The first was probably because someone realized they made some mistakes. I guess the second would be because Plant-Bread revealed his name at some point."

"I did," He nodded "To Jake. Off-screen."


"I said," Jake began "Hey, guy, what's your actual name?"


"Jonno," Jonno said "I replied."


"And that was it." Jake said "Very anti-climactic."


"Like this ending?" Magic asked.


"Sure." Krista said in Jake's place.